


love dreams no. 3 (in Ab major)

by petulantgod (prettyclever)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-11
Packaged: 2017-12-19 04:09:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyclever/pseuds/petulantgod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lily finds herself wanting something she can never let herself have.</p><p>Warnings for pregnancy, extramarital sex, voyeurism/exhibitionism.</p>
            </blockquote>





	love dreams no. 3 (in Ab major)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Written for dramaphile's erotic_elves Fantasy Fest request. Thanks to the Deadly Viper Beta Squad: rosesanguina, memorycharm, tricksterquinn, anise_anise, meredyth_13, and supergrover24.
> 
> Written in '04 or '05.

They say two things are inevitable: death, and taxes. It seems as though really there's other inevitabilities as well, like war and childbirth.   
  
 _As though death and taxes aren't enough..._  
  
Lily thinks about life as she pores over her research. Part of her hates the inevitable; it feels like life itself is trying to push her around, and she irrationally wants to tell life a thing or two. Really, it seems as though everyone is trying to tell her what to do these days.   
  
She wants to be a good wife, and a good mother, and she's done so much to try and achieve that, to attempt to satisfy her own need to succeed in those roles. Sitting quietly in the London flat she shares with James, she takes down meticulous and insightful notes for the Order. While she works, she thinks that maybe if other people knew how much she already expects of herself, they'd get off her back. Toiling until all hours of the morning to accomplish the Herculean tasks she's set herself, Lily wonders if Alice Longbottom might be willing to trade her places.  
  
 _It isn't fair. Alice is no different than I am._  
  
But Alice isn't married to James.  
  
James is so overprotective of her, and of the baby on the way. She knows it's because he loves her, and because he worries, and because he's terrified of losing her. But things were different before she was pregnant, things were  _good_  with James, and he looked at her like she was a princess, like he couldn't believe she was actually his. He's so proud that he's married her, so proud that he's gone and knocked her up when there's a war on just like he had the good sense god gave sea monkeys. A  _war_  on, and, of course, James feels helpless to protect his family except to hide them away from the world outside.  
  
Frank, on the other hand, seems to trust that Alice can take care of herself, and though he looks over her shoulder and worries about her, he lets her live her life.   
  
Sometimes Lily gets jealous. Sometimes, Lily gets very, very jealous.   
  
But jealousy doesn't get the work done, so Lily sighs and goes back to her books, her translations, and her slow but steady development of new ways to cast charms and new ways to brew potions and modifications of every kind to the defences the Order is busily putting into place.   
  
*****  
  
There's not much but research and experiments to fill the hours, and it's not safe to go out, James tells her.   
  
"I know it's not what you want to hear," he begins, and at her look, he rushes on, trying to get out what needs saying before she snaps his head off. "I've asked Remus to stay with you while-"  
  
"While you and Sirius go off and do your macho Auror-y crap? Yeah, it's really horribly unfair, James. Everyone knows sodding well that anything you louts can do, I can do better."  
  
Lily loves her baby, but every time its father opens his mouth, she wants to scream. She fucking hates this misogynistic patriarchal bullshit that says she has to wait at home "to be safe" and "just in case."  
  
"Lily, you know I just want what's best for you and the baby," James says in a confidential tone that irks her beyond all reason. "You're living for two now."  
  
 _If he says one more trite little.... Grrrr...._  
  
When Remus and Sirius arrive, they keep their distance. Good move on their parts, really, but when fire flashes in Lily's eyes, James laughs as though she's a pet that's done a trick.   
  
"Watch out, Padfoot, Lily's got a temper now!" he faux whispers as he opens the front door to let them out.   
  
"This is news?" Sirius chuckles as he slips outside. "Oi, Evans, give him hell," he says, offering her a cheeky wink and waving to Remus where he stands silently behind her before Disapparating with a pop.  
  
"James-" she begins, her tone dangerous and her nostrils flaring.  
  
"Not in front of Remus!" James hisses, and he pats her swelling middle just before he dashes out the door to save the world from evil. "Love you, honey!" he chirps, and then he too is gone.  
  
The rest of the night Lily stews and broods and mutters imprecations under her breath about that vile James Potter and wonders what on earth persuaded her that  _marrying_  him was such a fine idea. She almost feels bad for putting Remus through her moods... but not quite.  
  
After all, Remus isn't pregnant, and pregnancy in London late summer is really not a state conducive to feeling sympathy for  _anyone_  but one's self.   
  
*****  
  
It's been a long day, and there's dinner needing making, and dishes needing washing, and any number of chores left to do, but Lily's feet hurt, and her back hurts, and she doesn't fucking  _want_  to do any of that shite. The mere thought of standing and cooking makes tears well in her eyes and halfway into the kitchen she shrugs her shoulders and gives up. It's bad for her to go without eating and she knows it, but right now she doesn't have energy to care.   
  
Telling herself she'll cook later, Lily shambles into her bedroom and undresses, shrugging into a very ugly, very soft flannel nightgown of some hideous maternity print. With the weight of her world on her shoulders, she sits on the edge of her bed and begins to brush her hair, counting off the strokes.  
  
"One.... two.... three..."  
  
Before she reaches one-hundred, Remus is standing in the doorway with a soft smile and a bowlful of shepherd's pie.   
  
"It's all I know how to make," he says in his quiet way. "But if you're hungry..."  
  
Lily is suddenly hyperaware of her ugly gown, her bare face, her swollen stomach, and she wishes desperately she looked better just now, because Remus is about the best thing she's ever seen. She says nothing as she takes the bowl except, "Thank you, Remus, really."  
  
*****  
  
Sweat pours off Lily, running from her forehead down to her neck in a long tickling line of moisture, and she wakes with the sheets tangled hard around her legs. The nightmare is too close, too real, and she can't get loose, can't get free, and she half-shrieks before she can catch herself. Not a minute later, Remus is rapping at her bedroom door, and she sobs and calls his name. Before she can think about it, surprisingly strong arms wrap around her, and they feel so frail compared to James' that she can't help but wonder how it is that  _he_  is comforting  _her_...   
  
But his thumbs are gentle against her cheeks where they wipe away tears she didn't realise she cried, and his scent is like ripe oranges and cardamom and old libraries. He holds her self-consciously, and she can feel the awkwardness in his posture, the way his hands very carefully stay above her waist where they rest against her back, the way his hands don't stop moving for more than a second as they keep up the steady brotherly patting that makes this okay.   
  
Despite being safe now with the nightmares banished, her pulse doesn't slow. It pounds harder and faster and she can feel it pulsing between her legs because Remus is in bed with her holding her tight, and she can feel the wetness spreading against her inner thighs as he rocks her gently. It's been too long; James doesn't have much time at home, and he certainly doesn't seem so inclined to touch her at any rate now that she's as big as an elephant. It's so nice sometimes just to be held, so nice, but she can't help delighting in the slide of her nightgown under his careful fingers and the knowledge that just a few inches, just a kiss and a touch, and this would be something entirely different if they let it be.  
  
 _Don't do this, Lily. This is wrong. This is_ Remus _...  
  
This is nothing._  
  
Lily's hands slide against Remus' skin beneath the hem of his undershirt and he shivers. The moonlight spills over them where they sit, and she sees the way it owns him, the way it colours him and embraces him and the way his eyes flicker back to it every moment they're not locked on her own. Tension builds in her fingers where they brush again and again across the waistband of his pyjama bottoms, and she can't help her mind racing.  
  
 _He takes such good care of me. What would he feel like? How would he--_    
  
She stops herself with a blush and hides her burning face against his throat, her lips just barely open against his neck and her breath reflecting back at her as it comes out in shaky gasps. The shudder that wracks his thin frame echoes inside her, and she sighs and wonders who else Remus holds in the middle of the night, and who he presses his sinewy body against when he's not here with her. Moments like this, it's hard to remember they're not still in school, not still young and almost innocent. Moments like this, it shocks her to realise how little she really knows about someone she's come to consider part of her. Remus doesn't welcome invasions into his privacy, though, and now is not the time for her questions.  
  
They don't really move as the minutes become hours and the moon coasts languidly across the sky. Remus tries to let go a few times, a tentative pulling away that she halts instantly with a soft whimper and the crushing cling of her body to his. He doesn't fight her, just relaxes into her again, holding her close, keeping her safe. By the time the sun comes up, she wonders if he isn't pulling away just to feel her pull him closer, but that would be silly.  
  
She may still be the same Lily all the boys chased, but she's married now, and she's huge and bloated and even James doesn't want to touch her. Anger seizes her that Remus just pities her, humours her, and she pushes him away suddenly, her hands pressing flat against his chest and shoving him back as her eyes fill with tears that make her so ashamed and frustrated at her lack of self-control that she wants to cry even harder.  
  
"Shh, Lily, it's all right," Remus murmurs, holding his hands up and shifting away.  
  
It's so  _cold_  without his body against hers, and she realises that her nightgown is damp from their sweat where their bodies have been so hot against each other all night. Goosebumps rise on her arms as she wraps them around her chest, and she looks at him and wonders if she looks as guilty as she feels. The smile he gives her is so sympathetic that she can't help but smile back, and he moves toward her again, his hands so tender and comforting as they push her down onto the bed. She wonders for a delirious moment if he's going to do... more, but he only helps her get cosy on her side and pulls the rumpled duvet over her.   
  
She sighs sleepily and stifles a yawn as the pink-tinged morning light washes over them and he tucks her in carefully before lying down behind her with the blanket between them. Too tired to care anymore about the war raging inside her, she reaches for his hand and pulls his arm over her waist, twining her fingers with his against her stomach. Remus freezes for a moment, but when she tugs his hand gently closer, he exhales deeply and snuggles close behind her, moulding his body to hers and hugging her, his breath blowing into her hair as she falls asleep.  
  
*****  
  
While Remus reads by the fire, Lily watches him from the corner of her eye and wonders about him, about what's possible between them. Watching his fingers skate tenderly over the pages of his book, she remembers just for a moment the way they felt stroking over her skin before banishing the thought as unfaithful and wrong.  
  
 _James deserves better than this. James deserves better than a wife who daydreams about one of his best mates._  
  
It's so hard though, and she's never been with anyone but James really, only him ever and it's so unfair that she'll be a wife and a mother and never know what it's like to feel someone else inside her, to know how different another man's lips and tongue and hands might feel.   
  
Lily loves knowledge. She wants to  _know_.  
  
Picking up a book and returning to her own work, Lily tries to focus. It only takes a few moments before the endless lists of components and incantations inundate her mind, and aside from the unshakable suspicion that Remus is now watching  _her_ , the day passes uneventfully.  
  
*****  
  
Slowly she realises he notices her furtive looks. He glances up quickly to catch her gaze before dropping his eyes back to his books, and the tension builds within her until it's almost impossible to control, her breath hitching and speeding and her heart pounding. How is it that he can seem so nonchalant?   
  
 _Berk._  
  
To break up the uncomfortable silences, she talks as she works, just whatever's on her mind, and he  _listens_. He listens to her, and she rambles because really she just needs to talk, just needs the company, and he tells her she's strong, and brave, and that he can't imagine how James got so lucky.  
  
"Old sod," Remus mutters playfully, looking up at her from under long golden eyelashes as he puts his book down carefully and moves with his peculiar wolfish grace to join her on the sofa. "Prongs has been starry-eyed over you from the beginning, you know, but none of us ever thought you'd go for him. I've always thought you were more woman than any one man can handle."  
  
His arm slips around her shoulder and his fingers gently play with her hair, and though he's silent again, she can't think of a damned thing to say.  
  
Well, not anything that bears repeating. Certainly nothing he needs to know-- Or maybe he already does know. It's hard to imagine anything getting past him, and she doesn't like to think about what that might mean.  
  
She thinks about it later though, when it's just her sitting in her bathtub curled up as cosily as she can in this huge body. Then she thinks of it as she smoothes her soapy hands over the firm roundness of her belly and down her thighs, dragging them up again and rubbing just  _there_  with a sigh she half hopes he'll hear. He's just in the next room, and the walls are thin, and she wants him to ache like she does, wants him to hear her and get hard for her like she's wet for him. She touches herself and imagines how it might be, what he would say, how he would tell her that he knows she wants him and knows she's lonely and worried and needs someone she can rely on, needs someone who still sees  _Lily_  and not an incubator....   
  
The guiltiest moments of Lily's life are the slow minutes after she comes imagining a cock inside her that doesn't belong to her husband.   
  
When she leaves the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel that barely covers her and a molten honey smile, she revels in the guilty want that illuminates Remus' wan face. If she's going to feel this thing, he sure as hell is going to feel it too. Walking across the room, she sits in the chair across from his with her bare legs still wet and her full breasts swelling against the towel as she settles in. She looks into his eyes and reads the desire there -- desire for  _her_ , and she can see the beast inside him. When she sits back and stretches her long legs up to rest on the hearth, she sees his hunger, and she half-hopes he'll devour her, wants him to take her so she doesn't have to feel responsible, so she can blame him for her lust....   
  
He doesn't though, only politely excuses himself and goes to bed early, leaving her to ache with the need to be filled. It's days yet before James will come home. It's days before he'll hold her and reassure her and tell her she's loved. She knows all that, though. All that isn't enough to keep her from crying into her pillow, because she knows that no matter how much James loves her, he just doesn't understand. No matter how much  _she_  loves  _James_ , it just isn't enough to keep her from wanting something she can't have.  
  
*****  
  
He's not naked, but she is, and she doesn't know how things got to this pass, but she's not going to complain.  
  
"Oh god," she whispers, voice tiny and strangled as she buries her lips against his scarred cheek. "Oh god," again like it's all she knows how to say anymore, and she writhes into his fingers, body arching like her spine's elastic, and she hasn't moved like this in  _weeks_  but she can't help it now because she  _needs_  this.   
  
"So beautiful," Remus says, and he means it, she can tell, and the look in his eyes is so reverent that she feels suddenly like she's holy, like she's some priceless artefact he's studied in his books, like she's  _special_. "I've never seen anyone look as beautiful as you do right now," he says, and he blushes, like a little boy, like an ashen haired cherub, and she lifts a hand to stroke his cheek as he slides his fingers deeper inside her, stretching them wide until she feels so full she can't stand it and the moans tumble from her lips like desperate prayers.   
  
It's not enough though, never enough, not ever...  _More_  and she can't think except to think that one word over and over as though if she thinks it hard enough he'll hear it, because the way his fingertips are sliding between her lips and over her clit and down inside her again she thinks he must be reading her mind--  
  
Lily wakes up with Remus lying spooned behind her, his arm over her stomach and hand splayed across her belly in a way that might almost be possessive, and she bites down hard on her lip to keep from moaning. She doesn't know when he came in, but she doesn't get the chance to wonder because Remus shifts behind her until his lips are against the shell of her ear and he whispers to her.  
  
"You were having a bad dream," he says. "I thought you might sleep better with someone beside you."  
  
"It wasn't--" she begins, then blushes so furiously she's sure he can feel the heat rushing through her skin where his lips touch her ear.   
  
"Wasn't a bad dream?" he asks, and his arm around her tightens slightly, or at least she thinks it does, and  _oh God_  she can feel him hard and hot against her arse all the way through the duvet and their pyjamas as he presses closer beside her.   
  
"No," she murmurs, half-afraid to speak at all, her voice almost dying in her throat.  
  
"Do you want me to go then?"   
  
"No."  
  
They don't speak again that night, and it's dawn before they sleep.  
  
*****  
  
"WE'RE HOME!" comes the triumphant shout from the living room, and Lily nearly jumps out of her skin.   
  
"Christ," she gasps, trying to catch her breath as the baby rolls and kicks her hard in protest. "James?" she calls out, suddenly aware that Remus is in their bed with her. "We're in here!"   
  
 _God this looks so bad..._  
  
But James and Sirius just rush in and dog-pile Remus before carefully settling in with them on the bed. Remus rubs the sleep from his eyes and wraps his arms around Sirius and then James in turn. Watching them, Lily realises that the embraces are tacit acknowledgement that each meeting might be their last. Tears fill her eyes and she wonders what's wrong with her that she would threaten this delicate balance, and she can't meet James' eyes when he reaches to enfold her in his arms.   
  
"I'm safe, Lily, don't cry," he says, pressing an affectionate kiss to her temple and hugging her. "Everything all right?"  
  
She nods mutely and clings to him, but her eyes wander to Remus' just in time to catch the unguarded longing there, and it tears her in two with such a pang that it's almost physical and she winces enough for James to start tut-ing at her and fussing over her like a mother hen.   
  
"All right, boys, clear out, the World's Best Husband has work to do."  
  
Sirius chokes on a laugh and shakes his head in good-humoured disbelief, then gives Remus a sharp look and jerks his head toward the door. "Right then, James, we've got Pete meeting us over at the local tonight. You're invited. Best show up, or I'll have to drink twice as much and no one wants that but me. C'mon, Remus."  
  
 _He must know, damn him. Everyone'll know soon. God, Lily, what a fucking mess you've made..._  
  
Lily thinks herself in circles, and when James speaks, it interrupts her thoughts.   
  
"Now then," James says the minute the front door is locked, "It's time to remind you how much I miss you when I have to go away."  
  
Something in his cocky manner, something in the way he just  _assumes_  she's gagging for it makes her ill suddenly and she tries to stop herself but she can't help lashing out and it just gushes forth in a rush of vitriol.  
  
"Why can't you be sensitive to my feelings, James? Are you that dense? Are you just a prick? God help us all, Potter, if you're in charge of this family... Christalive, I'm  _pregnant_ , not mental!"  
  
The moment she wrestles her mouth closed, she regrets ever opening it.  
  
"I-" James begins, his eyes huge and hurt behind the glinting of his glasses. "I just thought--"  
  
Lily sighs deeply and says, "I'm sorry," and fervently hopes James won't press her on it.  
  
"This is, um... This isn't about me, is it?" he blurts out, hands running through his wild hair nervously.  
  
Her heart stops and then pounds like it's going to explode any second.   
  
 _Is it that fucking obvious? Of course it is, you idiot, my god, you were only in bed with him..._  
  
"Lily?" James asks again.  
  
Taking a deep breath, she finally manages to get out, "No, it isn't... it isn't all you, James. I just--" Bracing herself, she plunges onward. "I'm not happy with the way things are between us. I hate how differently you treat me now, I hate all of this... I'm not going to break, James. I'm not. I'm stronger than you think and if you'd just be sensitive to my feelings--"  
  
"Oh bloody hell, you sound just like Remus," he says, and then he pauses, his face pensive for a long moment before he ventures, "You like him, don't you?"  
  
"Everyone likes him," she says.  
  
"You know what I mean."  
  
"What do you want me to say, James?"  
  
"Nothing," he says quietly. "You don't need to say anything else."  
  
He kisses her cheek quickly and turns on his heel, stalking silently out the door.  
  
"James?" she calls, panic quickly rushing through her veins and making her dizzy. "James, where are you going?"  
  
He doesn't answer, and she won't chase after him.  
  
She won't.  
  
The door slams shut with a final-sounding thud, and the baby kicks again.  
  
She won't.  
  
Lily wonders how she can be in so much trouble for something she didn't even do, and how  _not_  doing something can still make her feel so guilty.  
  
She knows she won't sleep, but lying down is all she feels like doing. Crawling back into bed, Lily lays her hand over the still-warm place where Remus had lain. Her fingers move on their own, gently stroking over the sheet and imagining the comforting weight of his body against her own. She drifts off sometime after noon, and she's hungry and thirsty, but she just doesn't care. She knows somewhere there's battles going, people --maybe friends of hers-- fighting for their lives, and she hates herself that she can't find energy for worrying about that.   
  
When she finally falls back asleep, she dreams that she is a girl again, untouched, unworried, and it's the sweetest dream she's ever had.  
  
*****  
  
There's a noise, a bump in the night, and Lily sits up straight, her fingers clutching the blanket to her chest, and she looks around the darkness of her bedroom and realises she's slept all evening. Then she hears the tell-tale click of the front door locking and James' keys dropping onto the kitchen counter.   
  
 _So predictable._  
  
The mere fact that she knows him so well seems priceless suddenly. She doesn't really  _know_  Remus... How could she risk this for someone she's never been that close to? There are things she shares with James, little facts of his life, little quirks and habits, and though sometimes they get on her last nerve (no man needs to run his hands through his hair that often, or play with a snitch in the house, or habitually arrange his carefully casual posture for best effect), they're _James_  and she loves him, and them, and all of it and--  
  
 _What the hell have I done?_  
  
She wonders if he'll come in, or if he'll sleep on the sofa, and she can't decide which she wants. He's likely drunk off his arse, and she's not sure he won't hurt her feelings if he picks up the discussion where it left off...   
  
His feet creak on the loose floorboard outside their bedroom door, and she inhales deeply, crossing her fingers and hoping this won't go as badly as she fears, but relief floods through her nonetheless because this is James,  _her_  James, and if he comes to bed, maybe she can make things right. She needs so much for things to be all right. She can't stand this uncertainty that twists in her gut and makes her eyes sting. She realises with sudden certainty that no matter how Remus might make her feel, it's James to whom she belongs.   
  
The bedroom door opens slowly, letting in a yellow beam of light from the hall that silhouettes James' lithe figure and hides his face.   
  
"Oi there, Lily?" he whispers loudly, and she almost laughs because he never  _has_  mastered keeping his voice down and that's so very endearing somehow.   
  
"Yes," she says, licking her dry lips and trying to keep her voice level.   
  
"I've got a ruddy good surprise for you," he tells her, ruffling his hair with one hand and leaning indolently against the doorframe. "If you know, if you  _want_  a surprise. I think you'll like it."   
  
Lily doesn't answer. He's floored her.   
  
"Lily? Surprise? Yea? Nay? High-dilly-ay?" Humour creeps into his tone and suddenly a knot she didn't know was in her chest releases.  
  
"Yea," she says, hoping it's the right answer, wanting to please him, wanting so much just for things to go back to how they were before Remus came to stay.   
  
"Wait here," he says, sounding like nothing so much as a little boy with a secret, and Lily doesn't even think to move.  
  
Her mind tries to race, but it stumbles. There's just too many possibilities, too much to process, and she's still so tired, so fucking  _bone-weary_...  
  
And then she hears  _his_  voice, his soft syllables like raindrops falling, and the  _want_  is back. Oh god, is it back, and it clutches at her soul and body and squeezes until the pressure inside her feels like she's going to explode _implode_  and she can't think anything but  _Oh.... it can't... he didn't-- I... Oh fuck what--_  
  
"Hello, Lily," he murmurs, and when she sees his thin body outlined in shadow beside her husband's, her heart skips a beat.  
  
"Hello, Remus," she replies, her throat feeling raw and swollen and strangely sore. "How are you this evening?"  
  
"I'm all right," he says with a lopsided grin she can just make out now her eyes are adjusted to the light. "I'm more worried about you, though."  
  
She wants to know why he's here, what's going on, what's happened between James and Remus that he's here in the door of her room and smiling. She wants to ask, but she can't find the words. James appears beside Remus and though she can't see his face, she knows it so well she can imagine just the look he wears.   
  
"So, is that a good surprise, my Lily?" he asks, his voice light as air and such the opposite of effortless that she wants to hug him for being so... utterly and unpredictably wonderful.   
  
She sighs and opens her mouth, but he talks fast before she can get a word out.   
  
"--I talked to him. We talked. It's okay, Lily. I just... You need a lot more than I know how to... I--" He sucks in a sharp breath and lets it out in a rush of words that trip fast from his tongue. "I-told-Remus-if-I-could-watch-it-would-be-okay-and-you-can-do-whatever-you-want-with-him-so-long-as-I-can-be-here-because-I-love-you-and-want-to-be-attentive-to-your-needs-as-a-woman."  
  
Lily stares, tongue-tied and flabbergasted.   
  
 _This is a dream. I'm still asleep, and I'm dreaming again._  
  
James turns on the bedroom light, then nudges Remus, and they exchange a look so full of meaning that Lily wonders just what really has passed between them over their drinks down the local. She sits straighter, as straight as she can with a tiny person taking up a very great deal of space in her midsection, and she forces herself not to hold her breath.   
  
 _Can't be real...._  
  
She thinks she hears James say, "Well go on, Moony," but she can't be sure because her blood is pounding in her ears and her whole body wakes up and everything becomes so sharp and real it's overwhelming and she wants to cry but she won't because oh god she can't mess this up, she just can't...  
  
 _Please don't let me wake up..._  
  
Remus crosses the room on silent feet, his body sending out some wild energy in waves that wash over her stronger and stronger with every step he takes, and she's almost afraid to meet his eyes, but she can't help it, and her gaze slides up his body to lock on his. It's electric and animal and sudden and tender and wholly new and she  _wants_  him, knows it's written all over her face for anyone to see-- for James to see.   
  
Slowly, Remus eases onto the bed beside her, facing her without moving or saying a word, so handsome despite his wan frailty and so obviously full of love that she can't help but ache to experience it for herself. Just the shifting of the mattress as it moves with his weight is enough to send the heat throbbing across her skin and make her cunt clench around the nothing where he should be. A moan slips from her mouth and she can't quite stop it.   
  
Remus doesn't move until she does, lying down on the bed beside her as she gets comfortable, and she tells herself it's a dream, just a dream, and please, Lily, god, don't wake up now...   
  
The second her fingers stroke over his cheek, he turns his face into her hand, pressing his lips to her palm and electricity runs through her from the spot where his lips are opening succulent and warm against her skin to the soles of her feet until she feels like she's charged with a kinetic hum. He closes his eyes and slowly rubs his cheek against her hand, the light stubble on his jaw scratching her skin deliciously and she moans again, biting her lip to hold back as much as she can and trying to wrap her mind around the fact that this is Remus and he's in her bed and she's touching him and it's okay.   
  
A shiver tears through her and she shifts closer to him, acutely aware of the swell of her belly as it presses into his flat stomach, of the strange overripe feel of her body, the way every slight touch to her skin makes everything inside her feel alive. When his fingers brush against her shoulder as he sweeps her hair behind her back, she can do nothing but shudder and gasp.   
  
"Oh," she breathes, her back arching and her body twisting closer to his, and she feels so clumsy, as though she's not herself, not quite, and she blushes suddenly, too aware of how enormous she is, how bloated and distended and not at all Lily, just some horrid mutation, and she's embarrassed to have Remus looking at her this way.   
  
His fingers move from her hair to her throat and stroke over the skin slowly, and he holds her gaze with eyes so deep she feels dizzy looking into them. She tries to smile, to react somehow, but she's transfixed as his other hand moves to rest atop hers where it cradles his cheek. He slides his fingers between hers, holding her hand tight, and his other hand trails from her throat over her shoulder and down her arm, raising goosebumps as it slides toward her hip and stops. Shuddering, she closes her eyes for a moment, overcome, and she feels his thumb tracing tiny circles against the curve of her hip, and then he squeezes her hand and her eyes open reflexively to find his face centimetres from hers.  
  
No one has  _ever_  looked at her this way. So... gentle and yearning and... there aren't words for what she reads in his eyes. Before this moment, she would never have believed any man was capable of seeming so vulnerable, so completely _naked_  before her, and any embarrassment she felt flees. The tip of his tongue flicks quickly over his lips and she's captivated.   
  
"Lily," he says, so softly, a whisper, a breath. "What- What do I do now?"  
  
Her heart beats so hard she almost can't breathe around her pulse in her throat. "Kiss me," she says, because his mouth is so beautiful and so  _close_  and oh she can't even begin to imagine all the ways he could use it.   
  
There is an awkward moment as his nose bumps hers and she almost laughs, almost, but then his mouth is on hers and there is nothing funny about it and she can only close her eyes and  _feel_. His lips are hungry and his body moulds against hers as he shifts quickly to slide his arms around her and pull her hard against him. A wave of lust washes through her and she groans into his mouth, swallows his quiet sighs and his faint growls as their tongues slide together with a dreamy languor until the baby kicks so hard he must feel it, and Remus pulls away slightly. Her eyes fly open questioningly, afraid he's going to stop, afraid he doesn't want her now.   
  
Instead she finds him staring at her stomach with a kind of awe on his face, and his hand slides down from her hip to press against the flutter of the baby's movements.   
  
"That's the baby..." he whispers, pulling her shirt up to bare her stomach and gazing at her as though she's some higher creation.  
  
She nods and lays her hand over his, pressing gently down until the baby moves again, kicking against his palm, and she watches curiously as he bites his lip and tears well in his eyes.   
  
"Remus?" she asks hesitantly, completely unsure of what's just happened. "Are you... are you all right?"   
  
"Mmmhmm," he murmurs, biting his lip harder and blinking quickly.   
  
"What--"  
  
"He can't have kids, Lily," James interrupts, his voice coming from the far corner of the room where he's sitting, watching, and it's the first time she remembers he's there. "He's a werewolf, and they won't let him have a family."  
  
"Oh god," she says, holding his hand tighter. "I hadn't ever thought-- I'm so sorry, Remus..."   
  
"It's all right," Remus says quietly, but he swallows hard and leans in closer, his body curving into hers as he rests his face against hers for a long moment. His palm squeezes her belly gently and his lips brush against her ear. "It's only that you,  _this_ , I-- This is the first time I've been so close to having everything I've always wanted." His voice is heartbreakingly earnest and the tears roll down her cheeks before she can control the pang of sympathy seizing her.   
  
"Oh Remus," she mutters, trying not to sob, trying to hold strong in the face of such sheer  _yearning_. "If I could... If there was any way..."  
  
"I know," he whispers against her throat, opening his mouth against her skin. "And I love you for it."  
  
The words hit her like blows, staggering her, and she wraps her arms tightly around him, wanting to hold him and never let go, wanting to make him feel some part of this enormous comfort that he makes her feel. His teeth nip at her throat and she moans, her hands shifting restlessly against his back, mindlessly pulling at his shirt and dragging it off over his head so she can touch him, so she can feel his scarred skin under her palms as she runs them down his spine and slides her fingertips beneath the waistband of his trousers.   
  
"Please," she hisses between clenched teeth. "Please, Remus, please..." and she doesn't even know what she's begging for until his hand slips down from her stomach inside her pyjamas and his fingertips stroke over her clit and it's the best thing she's ever felt and exactly what she needs and-- "Oh fuck, yes, Remus, please--" and she writhes into his touch.   
  
Remus' mouth slides down her neck and over her shirt, and his fingers never stop moving as he catches her nipple between his lips right through the fabric, sucking it slowly and looking at her from beneath his eyelashes and it's wrong for anyone to look as sexy as he does with his mouth full of her breast and that look on his face. She can feel James' eyes on her, can feel him watching, and she should feel guilty or dirty or bad but she doesn't because there's nothing dirty about what Remus is doing.   
  
His mouth slides over the thin cotton of her shirt to the other breast, his free hand moving to her shoulder to push her onto her back, and she moans and shudders and lets him put her where he wants her.   
  
"So perfect," he mumbles against the swell of her breast, his lips caressing her nipple and his fingers sliding lower to move bit by bit into her cunt. "Lily, so perfect so good... Thank you..."   
  
His words wrench another moan from her and she cants her hips up into his hand until the heel of his palm presses against her clit and his fingers slide deeper inside her and it's just like her dream, just like--  
  
"More," she gasps out, the tension swelling inside her until she shakes with need.   
  
"Anything," he murmurs, pulling away from her carefully and slowly pulling her pyjama bottoms off.   
  
His eyes follow the line of skin as it appears, and she blushes at the way he looks at her, the way his eyes consume her like he's starving for her, and she would feel self-conscious if he didn't seem more like he was worshipping her than lusting after her.   
  
"Oh Lily," he murmurs, leaning down to kiss the apex of her stomach. "God, Lily, you're..." he pauses, and he looks into her eyes, obviously at a loss for words. Then a slow, shy smile spreads over his face and crinkles the corners of his beautiful eyes. "...breathtaking."  
  
Her heart nearly explodes and she grasps the hem of her shirt and pulls it off over her head in a rush, throwing it to the floor before pulling Remus into her embrace and hugging him tightly, groaning loudly at the feel of his skin against hers. "Off," she mutters hoarsely, fingers tugging at his trousers impatiently. "Now."  
  
In moments Remus is naked and hard and warm and solid against her, he on his side and she on her back, and she turns her face to his to kiss him, thrusting her tongue into his mouth and raking her nails down his back until he arches into her scratching like a cat, a low growl almost like a purr reverberating in his chest and making her shiver. His hands move to her shoulder and her hip and he rolls her onto her side facing away from him, body surging forward to spoon behind her like he had when he slept beside her and held her all night long.   
  
Facing this way, she sees James for the first time, sitting in the far corner with a blindfold on. Something about the sight of him there quiet and tacitly approving sends a thrill through her, as though she can have anything she wants and it's okay because James is there but he's not watching and he may care but he won't stop her and oh god she's never wanted anything more in her life.   
  
She presses back into Remus, writhing hard and pressing her arse back against Remus's hardon, and his cock is heavy and blunt pushing forward between her thighs. Remus' hand strokes down her leg, shifting her into place as he crushes himself against her and rocks his hips forward, dragging the head of his cock against her cunt teasingly as his fingers move up her leg to rub her clit, and she screams in frustration, arms reaching behind her to claw at him.   
  
"Remus. Want. Now," she snarls, completely out of patience and desperate for him inside her, and she knows that's all she needs now, just to feel him inside her, just to--  
  
"Oh god yes," she hisses as he thrusts inside her, his cock stretching her and filling her and almost too much almost but god she wants it so much she doesn't care and--  
  
"I love you, Lily," he breathes against her shoulder, biting down to stifle his snarl as he pulls out slowly and thrusts back into her harder, deeper, and she clenches around him helplessly, her heart about to burst with feeling and her body trembling out of control. "Love you," he whispers again. "Thank you."   
  
Then his fingers still on her clit, and she groans and snaps her hips forward hard, trying frantically to get more as his cock slams into her faster, his body stiffening against her, and she  _aches_  and, "So close, Remus," she whimpers, "So fucking close don't you dare fucking stop I'll fucking kill you--" and he buries his face against her throat and  _howls_ , his hips jerking forcefully into hers, hipbones slamming against her arse and cock splitting her in two and his thumb flicks over her clit and  _oh my god he's coming inside me_  and she explodes into dizzying ecstatic nothing...  
  
*****  
  
Slowly Lily's mind clears but she doesn't open her eyes. The hazy glow enveloping her is the best thing she's felt in months and she's not about to let go of it without a fight. She sighs contentedly and snuggles gratefully into the blanket someone's tucked around her. She feels Remus' weight shifting on the bed behind her and hears the susurrant sound of his trousers being pulled on. She smiles fondly and closes her eyes tighter, not wanting to move or wake or do anything but  _be_.  
  
"You can look now," Remus says finally.   
  
There's an answering silence, and she knows James is still here, but he's not talking, and suddenly she's worried again.   
  
"James?" Remus asks.   
  
"Yeah?" he answers, and his voice is a lot calmer than she expected, and she opens her eyes blearily to look over at him.  
  
"You're a lucky man."  
  
Her eyes open wider for a moment, and James' gaze catches hers for a second. "Yeah," he says softly. "Yeah, I am."  
  
Lily smiles and relaxes and closes her eyes again, moving her hands to rest against her belly and burrows down into the soft pillows beneath her head determinedly.  
  
"Should we let her sleep?" Remus asks, and she feels his hand caress her hair for an instant.  
  
"Yeah," James says, his voice full of mischief, "because tomorrow, I'm joining in." 


End file.
